She spent 3000 hours talking to 500 women in China and saw their most common pain.

She spent 3000 hours talking to 500 women in China and saw their most common pain.

This article is "One Article" original, and it shall not be deleted, modified or stolen to any platform without permission, otherwise legal responsibility will be investigated..

CoCo Lee died suddenly because of depression.

It hurts thousands of fans.

And let the public realize again,

Many people in life,

Is deeply trapped by depression.

The World Health Organization (WHO) published Depression and Other Common Mental Disorders in 2017, which shows that the incidence of depression in women is higher than that in men at different ages.

Among people suffering from depression,

The incidence rate of women is much higher than that of men.

According to the data(Peking University Sixth Hospital in 2019
Professor Huang Yueqin’s team published a study in The Lancet Psychiatry)

Female depression groups account for more than half of the total.

About 65%.

Psychological counselor Zhang Chun

Zhang Chun, writer and psychological counselor,

The concept of "female depression" was proposed two years ago.

She found that,

Of the more than 500 visitors she received,

Women account for more than 90%.

Many women are in ordinary daily life,

Feel a strong and lasting pain and depression.

Including Zhang Chun himself,

There was also a long process of fighting depression.

We found Zhang Chun,

Talked to her about this pain that belongs to women alone,

And try to feel sorry for this pain,

Find some solutions.

Editor: Zhou Tiancheng

Editor: Ni Chujiao

Chun Zhang

Zhang Chun started his own podcast radio station last year, and every issue will invite 5-8 women to chat, and the theme is often the little things in life.

For example, when discussing blind date, a girl said that she had a blind date, and both parents had met each other many times in four or five months, but the boy never showed up. This blind date is naturally impossible, but she is still thinking, "Did I label him like this?" Or, "Maybe he’s really afraid of society?"

For example, when discussing dating, a girl who is a screenwriter said that she didn’t have high requirements for dating, but 90% of the dates felt very bad. The men who come out often try to preach to her after meeting, "teach me how to write a script, or send me poems and novels that are badly written for me to comment on." But sometimes she still thinks, "Is it because I’m on the wrong dating software or I’m not good enough?"

For example, when discussing spending money, a girl said that when she was in college, her boyfriend overspent and bought an expensive computer, but accused her of spending money indiscriminately on a beauty card. "I just bought a computer. What will we spend in the future?" She went back to talk to her friend, and the friend was surprised and said, "If you love him, you have to spend money on him."

The women in these podcasts, like nearly 500 female visitors that Zhang Chun has received, feel the pain of "nothing is right" in some trivial matters, and they are very uncertain about their emotional reactions, and they don’t know whether they should feel angry/painful/uncomfortable.

She named this feeling "female depression".

Here is what she said:

In Big and Small Lies, women of different social classes and growing backgrounds are all suffering from their own hardships.

There was a lot of discussion on the Internet about the death of Coco CoCo Lee. Some people think that she is trapped by love and can no longer support. Later, a voice came out and said that she was a strong warrior, and the statement of "emotional injury" was underestimating her. Another voice said, why can’t it be emotional injury? Is emotional injury a shame?

No one knows what makes her so painful that she can’t fight any longer, and these discussions have become a dilemma of "nothing is right".

I have served about 500 visitors, more than 90% of whom are women. In fact, in the whole field of psychological counseling, more than 80% of female visitors seek help, which is an overwhelming data. The media often blame women for being good at expressing and telling.

In my opinion, the most important reason is that women are suffering.

Grandma doing housework in "Like a Father as a Son"

For example, I met a female visitor who was nearly 70 years old. She told me, "I used to have to wait on my husband and children, and I had to go to work. Now I’m retired from work, my husband is dead, my children have married and left home. It’s really just me now. Theoretically, I can do whatever I want. Now the question is coming, I don’t know what I want to do. "

Her more rooted pain is, "I have never done anything meaningful in my life, and I feel that I am an unnecessary person."

I asked her, when did you start to feel this way? Different time nodes may mean different situations. For example, if you are happy as a teenager, but you feel this way from the time you get married, then the problem may lie in her relationship with your partner, and so on.

She said, since I can remember. There are four sisters and a youngest brother in her family. She is the fourth in the family. Then it is true that in such a family structure, she will be regarded as an unnecessary person.

But when she was almost 70 years old, she didn’t have the strength to think about her pain. Before that, her time was occupied by serving others.

This is a typical pain of the previous generation of women. What about those young women who are well-off and independent? It is the same.

The source network has nothing to do with the characters in the text.

I also have a visitor who is the only daughter of a wealthy family in her thirties, and her parents love her very much, giving her the best educational resources. After graduating from an Ivy League school, she went to work in a world-class overseas enterprise, and her working ability was very strong, and she was quickly promoted. So in the eyes of others, everything is fine. But on the issue of marriage and love, this level is still very sad.

She said that she couldn’t find a partner and her parents were very anxious. She felt very unfilial. And her request is two points, one is that she is from China, and the other is that she can support herself here.

I asked her, there are men from more than 100 countries in your working environment. Why do you have to find people from China? In an overseas environment, this is of course difficult.

She said that this is the bottom line for parents. Before, her parents only allowed her to find people from Hangzhou (her hometown). Later, it was gradually relaxed to people from Zhejiang, and now it has been relaxed to people from China. She said that this requirement is not high, why can’t she find it? Is it your own problem?

She has also dated some people, but she often feels offended on dates. For example, if the other party asks to have a baby within three years, and she says no, the other party will start to give her the cold shoulder until they are separated.

When two or three men have similar problems, she will doubt herself: Why can others find someone to marry smoothly? Is it not too much to have a child in three years?

When she found me, she concluded to herself: I have some problems in my intimate relationship.

She is not the only one. Many women who meet the secular "excellent" standards like her feel that they are too demanding and have problems in intimate relationships.

The source network has nothing to do with the characters in the text.

Boys don’t think like this. I met an impressive male visitor. As soon as he arrived, he told me that his girlfriend had problems and always ignored him. He thought her girlfriend had "avoidant personality disorder". I asked him, how do you know? He said, I read it in a book. I asked again, how long have you been dating? He replied that they met on a blind date and just met twice.

On the contrary, women are always reflecting and examining themselves, ready to explain themselves. In the past two years, many girls’ awareness of female independence has awakened, which is a good thing. But I found that it also brought some new constraints. Sometimes, "independence enough" and "independence enough" will also become their shackles.

The source network has nothing to do with the characters in the text.

I once had a visitor who wanted to have a simple sexual relationship with a man she liked. The man may be very sensitive to the inversion of this power relationship, so he asked her: Why do you only think about sex? Can’t we just talk?

This girl is very confused. She is very confused. Why does this sentence make her so uncomfortable?

Another time, there was a visitor who was a big V on the topic of feminism on the Internet. She has been dating her boyfriend for three years, but he still doesn’t take her to know her family. The reason given is that my daughter is not ready to have a new mother.

In fact, if you judge by common sense, you will feel that there is something wrong with this man. But visitors feel: don’t I have an independent will? How can you be coaxed by such a glib man? Of course I can leave, but when I leave or give up my intimate relationship, the pain I feel is no different from the past.

Many new standards have appeared, but the old ones still exist. They exist at the same time and run counter to each other, tearing up women’s self.

Among my female visitors, the only commonality is probably: living in the city and being able to surf the Internet. These two points enable them to ask me for help. Other ages, classes, identity backgrounds, etc. are really very scattered. It can be said that no matter what background a woman is, she has a depression that belongs to her and wants her to accept it.

The source network has nothing to do with the characters in the text.

With authorization, I can share the complete story of a visitor. She said that she hoped her story could give some inspiration or help to others.

She was born in a big city in the north, the oldest child in the family, with a younger brother and sister. Her family is actually very rich, but this does not affect her position at home at all. She has assumed the role of a caregiver since she was a child, washing clothes and cooking for her younger brothers and sisters. If she doesn’t do it, it’s her mother who does it.

Therefore, she has always been unhappy, suffering from depression, and when she is in great pain, her parents have to take her to a mental hospital for electric shock treatment. Later, when she went to college, she went to the United States to study. She was temporarily separated from her family and made new friends. Everything seemed to be getting better. When she went home on holiday in 2021, she was trapped at home because of the epidemic and could not return to school for two years.

In the past two years, she has to continue to buy food, cook and wash clothes for the whole family every day, and her relationship with her family is still very tense. After an argument with her family, she found herself a place to live. At the beginning, she just told her family that she would go out for a few days. Later, gradually, gradually, completely moved away from home.

The source network has nothing to do with the characters in the text.

Her move out also brought some quarrels. My brother quarreled with her and shouted at her: Do you know that your depression has made the whole family feel very uncomfortable? Why don’t you die? Something like this.

She gradually realized that it was impossible for her family to understand her. In the past, she was very painful because she wanted her family to love, support and recognize her, but she couldn’t get it. At a certain moment, she gave up this expectation and could only try to let her family influence herself less.

Changes often occur in moments of despair. She had a childhood boyfriend in her hometown. But her boyfriend told her to "stop studying and come back early to get married" (although her boyfriend wanted to continue her studies). Her boyfriend advised her that "you should come to my house for dinner more often and be good to my mother". When her boyfriend came to her residence, the first sentence was "I haven’t eaten yet".

She decided to break up with her boyfriend. These decisions are all made by herself, and psychological counseling can’t give her specific advice on what to do. All I can do is often accompany her.

The source network has nothing to do with the characters in the text.

So then she thought I couldn’t count on it either. She said: although psychological counseling is useful, it is not the same as expected. I thought you would teach me what to do, but later I found that I had to do it myself.

It seems to be expressing disappointment to me, but I am glad to hear it. I seem to see her sprouting like a young tree.

She began to live with some skills. For example, in the past, when she asked her parents for money, she was always very guilty and a little vague. After that, she began to cajole her parents and fight for it. The goal was clear, that is, to ask for more and let her parents support her to complete her studies abroad and continue her studies. She did.

Talking about talk shows and practicing boxing are all ways for Zhang Chun to get rid of the existing standards.

I have experienced such a moment myself. I once suffered from severe depression for more than three years. I was so ill that I couldn’t get up for three or four days and couldn’t eat anything. But for my picky dog Dobby, on the fifth day, I struggled down the eighth floor, went to the market to buy ribs, stewed them in a pressure cooker, and the dog ate meat and I drank soup, so I persisted.

At that time, almost everyone around me was telling me that this was my psychological problem.

The way to be free is that I finally accept that "those people don’t love me". They often love me in a certain role or identity, an idealized me. As a woman who has been taught that love is important since childhood, it is very painful to accept this fact. But I think it is a necessary process for women nowadays to experience this darkness if they want to live a better life.

Home on Sakamoto tells the story of depression, pain and even loss of control of women as mothers.

As far as I know, there are some indicators for the diagnosis of depression in China. For example, you have been depressed for more than half a month, such as abnormal appetite and abnormal sleep, and there are some scale tests.

"Female depression" is a common situation of women. When you are in such an environment, interpersonal relationship and social structure, you may not meet the diagnostic criteria of depression, but you will feel depressed.

Now, after years of popular science, the public has begun to agree that "depression" is a disease, and it is a friendly concept to see a doctor and take medicine. But it also became a label. It seems that people need to be diagnosed with depression before they can get help, and then they can go to see a doctor and take medicine properly.

Home on Sakamoto Road

But in the case of female depression, many people need help, not diagnosis.

Postpartum depression has received a lot of attention in the past two years. But think about it, why didn’t anyone help them before the concept of "postpartum depression" appeared, and no one thought it was a problem?

When a woman is depressed after childbirth, she wants to jump off a building with her child in her arms. There must be two reasons for this. The first is that she is very hard and painful. On the other hand, there are some problems in her mind and her neurotransmitters, which makes her feel that this kind of suffering is endless.

Our help now is limited to using some drugs to improve some of her hormone levels, so that her brain can secrete more dopamine and she won’t have to jump off a building. But this alone is not enough. We should devote ourselves to improving the environment in which we live.

Love of a Hundred Yuan tells the story of a female son who is on the edge of society and has a depressed life. She begins to practice boxing, no matter how she wins or loses.

I have also heard about the "crazy literature", and many women will also tell me their own "crazy" experiences. For example, the girl mentioned earlier, her boyfriend’s mother urged her to get married and gave birth to a baby. When her boyfriend didn’t say a word, she replied directly: I can’t have a baby in ten years.

My recent "crazy" experience is that I pass by some men who pee on the side of the road every day. I decided to stop him.

At first, I was very worried. I would check and see that I was wearing a finger tiger and gestured a few times. I thought that if I did this thing today, he might hit me. If I do, then I must at least be able to return my hand, and I will give it to him.

With such determination, I walked up to him and stared at him and said, "Is this a toilet?"

Then there was no violent conflict, and it was really cool to stop him. Now I’m fearless when I try to stop those men who pee. Sometimes I just say "hey" casually, and they will run away in fear.

Love of 100 yuan

When women are "crazy", they actually give up an illusion called "giving up being liked by everyone". But many women are forbearing and careful, not to get like, but to avoid harm. After all, I just want to live well. This is our instinct based on years of life.

I once heard a visitor say about an experiment: if a mouse is given an irregular continuous electric shock and it can’t run away, then the mouse will soon be depressed; But if you let it get away once, it’s hard to be depressed. It has run away before, and it also believes that it can run away.

This experiment has given me great inspiration. When women give up the illusion of being hurt, small local victories can bring great hope.

Zhang Chun pinched a clay villain of his own.

Source: Weibo of Zhang Chun

1. You need to take medicine to fall asleep, which means "you can fall asleep". You need glasses to see clearly, that is, "see clearly." Glasses and pills in the world are for use. You can use whatever method can help you.

2. There are many ways to help yourself, which can build a new framework for understanding the world. Reading, exercising, gardening, etc., can be done. Psychological counseling is also a tool, but it is only one of them.

Believe that your pain is justified, and stay in pain for a while. Suffer first, and then see what happens. The most important and crucial thing is not to die, but to live again.

Zhang Chunhe’s own puppy Dobby.

4. You don’t have to be diligent, improve yourself and become a better self; It doesn’t have to be "independent, progressive and feminist". In fact, it is possible that you, who are lying in bed playing with your mobile phone, are already your best self, although not satisfactory.

5. If you want to lie down, play and eat cupcakes, how can you live? Believe in your feelings and choices, and you are right.

6. Stop trying to integrate and understand all the rules in this world and invent some new rules. I believe that the existing rules are not for you.

7. When you have symptoms of depression, don’t delay seeing a doctor. Depression can make people less active and less motivated. Observe the law of being spiritual and not spiritual, seize an opportunity, jump in the car and go to the hospital. Go to a regular hospital to see a doctor and take medicine.

Note: Due to the professional needs of consultants, unless otherwise specified, all cases in this article are authorized or fictional plots.

This article is "One Article" original, and it shall not be deleted, modified or stolen to any platform without permission, otherwise legal responsibility will be investigated..


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